Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Forgive Me, for I have Messed Up REAL Bad

I have never been a huge fan of saying "sorry". It always seemed like just another meaningless word to me. It seemed like a cop out that people used to get out of facing up to what they'd done wrong. "Sorry" doesn't mean you'll change, it doesn't mean things will change, it just means you have a feeling. I only used to accept apologies if they came with "I'm sorry and I will do _________________ to fix what I did wrong." I viewed sorry and apologies as a sign of weakness, and I viewed forgiving others as saying it's okay that they hurt you or treated you poorly. I had this view for almost my entire life, until I realized how much people forgave me for things that I never even apologized for.

A few weeks ago something happened in my life that turned who I am upside down. It completely changed my personality, my interactions with others, and my attitude about relationships, friendships, and being happy. I finally learned about being sorry. I learned about accepting apologies. I learned that you don't need to get an apology in order to forgive someone.

I have always been a very proud person. I always felt the need to defend my "honor" and my reputation against anyone that tried to mess with me. I was not afraid of confrontation. In fact, I figured if someone was ballsy enough to cross me, they deserved to be confronted. They deserved to deal with me face-to-face, and see if they still felt the same. I never backed down from an argument, hell I encouraged them, because I wanted to win and prove that I was right.

Turns out, if you go through life yelling at people, and confronting them about things that they do or say that really have no impact on your life, you'll end up alone and with a reputation for being a bitch (shocker, huh?). My roommate last year, and one of my closest friends, was usually with me when I would rant about so-and-so and how they said this about me to someone, and how I was going to put them in their place. She would always just look at me and laugh. "Why worry about that person? Do you realize who they are? They're irrelevant. They're saying stuff because they want to rock the boat. Don't let them." But I would ignore her and continue on my path of destruction. I knew she was right, but I had points to prove.

To live life in an angry way does nothing but cause pain. It hurts you, it hurts the people closest to you, and it hurts your ability to be happy. The first step to not being angry, is accepting the fact that you're mostly hurting yourself. There may be people in your life that make you happy, but if you're constantly an awful person, you will lose them. You will lose people that don't make you angry, but that don't want to deal with you. The second step, is forgiving whoever or whatever made you angry. So many times we hold onto anger about things we cannot control, or things that are in the past. There is no point, it just destroys your ability to live a pleasant life now and move forward.

You know what replaces that anger? Happiness. It might sound stupid, but when you just get over all the stuff you can't control and the stupid people that make you upset, your life is just better. When you're not angry, you can actually be calm. You can move forward, you can focus on yourself and your happiness, and it's easy to ignore the people that literally do not matter in your life.

Forgiving yourself can be as hard as forgiving anyone else. In the past year and a half (and obviously before, but specifically recently) I made choices that hurt myself and people that I cared about. I caused people that I care about to suffer. I lost people in my life that I cared a lot about. I was angry with myself for making the decisions I did, for causing the loss in my life that I did. I was angry at myself for making mistakes that I knew I would regret, but doing them anyway for stupid reasons. I hated admitting that I was responsible for so much "destruction" (super dramatic word) in my life, but I came to accept it, and I changed who I am.

Someone once said that mistakes are only mistakes if you don't learn from them. I think that they're still mistakes, but they're just valuable mistakes. Sometimes life can seem like you've messed up so much you'll never be able to fix everything. And yes, that might be true. But that doesn't mean that you need to keep messing more things up. If you decide to be happy, to accept mistakes and faults, and forgive anyone who has caused you to be angry or upset, your life will be so much better.

"Making a big life change is pretty scary. But you know what's even scarier? Regret."




1 comment:

  1. This was a very inspiring post for me, seeing as in my view I don't count "sorry" as a make up of treating me badly or being majorly put down either. A lovely post and a very relatable one xx so thank you for that :D I've just started a blog of my own and if you're interested you are very welcome it visit. Followers are desperately needed!!! http://xbeyoutifulx.blogspot.co.uk

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